amanda writes

I might be 'damaged' but she's an evil bitch.

As you may or may not know, i love Dexter ( season over long time ago) and Californication (season over even longer) but i have found a new intrigue on TV besides another glorious rendition of some reality show featuring 'fat bastards and snarky botoxed bitches'.

I tuned in last week to watch Damages with Glenn Close and i have to say i'm intrigued. I didn't laugh once and there were no fun penis jokes or crazy writers or honest serial killers instead i found something much more tangible 'cynical evil lawyers'. Now i'm not saying this to be judgemental; my dad was a lawyer and i know for a fact that like many people who know a good lawyer well, not a hack but a good lawyer you're usually pretty sure that if they're not related directly to Satan they are a not too far distant cousin.

Now i love my dad, and i generally like lawyers (call me crazy - it's early imprinting) but Glenn Close in damages makes ice look warm. She's icy, bitchy, scary and you think her vagina might actually eat people. Here's the thing though; bad guys are bad you know; they walk bad, talk bad, often even smell bad so you know bad is walking down the street towards you. Not so with almost insane, genius lawyers, nope- they can put on that uplifting practiced face, put there hand on your shoulder and squeeze it and make you feel loved and moments later stab you in the back while they explain how they've been planning this since two years ago, and man are you a moron. uh huh.

I like the show, i dare say it's smart. Put it makes me feel worse about humans than the idea of a serial killer. Why? Because althought Dexter is killing, he is fact deranged. He was brought up thinking and justifying his acts, he found a way to make his insanity sane. Here is a lawyer who is fighting for the little guy and killing mangy dogs to get what she needs to get an airtight case. Odd? Or exactly what is needed?And come on, every writer knows when you cross the kill and animal line, you've gone over a bridge you can't rebuild. Yep she's nasty, she kills dogs whilst being a dog owner. I'm not convinced i think she might rent her dog so she can run into competing lawyers at the dog park. I'm telling you with smart, razor sharp lawyers anything is possible. To an accomplished lawyer the art of lawyering is about masterful revenge; skillfully executed.

So one might think that Posh is a skinny bitch (which by the way i don't) most of us are in fact damaged in some way or another, but this is the real deal: a woman who earns her bread by making mincemeat of others while wearing power suits and a laser type glance that may in fact peel paint off walls if targeted correctly.

A real smart bitch is worth watching; it makes me wonder how many people plot and plan in their lives which is a little unsettling but I'm just happy i finally have something popcorn worthy that isn't a rerun...and doesn't involved fat people trying to lose weight or loose people trying to get laid.

More like e-fricking annyoying

I am married and happily and not dating. But i have many friends who are either still single or newly single because of break ups or divorce. So this is not one of those stories where i'm pretending to have a friend who is really me. This is in fact about a 'real' friend, not a fake one.

Apparently in the time that i have been married going out to the bar, getting wasted and hooking up with your next significant or husband has apparently either become not cool or just doesn't happen anymore. I think you still get drunk and meet people but it's not defined as relationship material it's just a drunken screw, (again i'm mostly surmising from friend anecdotal evidence). So this means that instead of finding the next of love of your life wearing vodka glasses you are indeed trying to find them while you are on a office break, high on caffeine and checking your e-harmony account.

I have never understood the e-harmony or anything about online dating. for one simple reason. Gut instinct. you know you meet some guy and his eyes click with yours and you immediately feel like shoving your tongue down his throat or running blindly as far and as quickly as you can away from him. That's gut instinct and it doesn't work no matter what font they happen to be typing in online....

okay so this friend got an account at e harmony and then realized first it's a long process with questions back and forth like : do you like cats? how long is your hair? what do you think about capris in winter? are you big breasted? do you eat seafood? which by the way all sound like fake questions trying to ascertain something else entirely like are you crazy? will you have sex on the first date? would it bother you if i farted in public? can i stalk you? which is probably closer to what they might really want to ask.

So this friend is already irritated by the experience, plus she can't get a read of what they're really like and then you can't test chemistry (which really is what it's all about) online. Then to make it worse during a meeting with higher ups the e harmony twits send an audio clip saying she has an e harmony request....!!!!! It's loud enough that the entire group in the office hears....

So after nearly dying of non harmony feelings like e harmony hate, e-anger and e-irritation; she calls and cancel the e-annoyance right away. seriously what stupid f**k would want that as an audio arrival!

So here's the thing; online despite what people want to believe is not real life. an email or a blog for instance is not representative of the real deal. on line dating is akin to me like online eating. you couldn't taste it, smell it or sense it. it makes it safe but not particularly fun or real.

what ever happened to finding love over a bud light, or meeting your best friends ex and really feeling that magic click after she tells you she still has a special place for him in her heart...

but seriously correct me if i'm wrong but isn't lust or love or any of its equivalents all about chemistry, feelings, and the spark that really happens when you physically meet someone? Hey listen i've heard all the stories about people who get married from meeting them online. I have a friend (again nameless) and i met the dude she met online in person. Seriously - she's either blind deaf and dumb or in the year and a half since her divorce her ideals have dropped by about 10,000 feet and landed with a splat. She said they had a meeting of the minds, they 'understood' each other. and i suppose that's cool but if that package also happened to be attached to a belly that looked like it belonged on a pregnant lady, trucker hats and a voice that said, "She's a hottie' and then he'd slap her ass while all our mouths hit the floor. I wouldn't give a shit if we'd had a meeting of the minds because pretty soon my foot would be meeting his ass as i kicked him out the door. Love is not that blind. And a meeting of the minds is great, but when they full package aint' there they're called friends for a reason...

anyway i think e harmony and the like are more like e-annoying and e-faking it to get laid, but i'm wrong about a lot of things so who knows.

I'd rather see my friends with a good bottle of wine, a dance floor and a few options that are actually in the same room as her.... because call me crazy but i think you have a better chance of hooking up if you actually meet the person - not waste your time reading their words...or find out if they like birds.

a

I don't have big tits, but i love croissant

i love Paris. It truly does have that je ne sais quoi kind of special quality but then there are the more notable things that i like about Paris -it's people. I've heard the complaints about insufferable, snotty nosed servers who look at you with disgust and disdain - but truthfully the only french waiter i ever encountered like that was in New York.

After a recent trip to LA i realized that like many parts of the world there is a new breed of person, they're popping up from Johannesburg, to LA and these people have tweeked noses, colour altered hair, big sunglasses, little to no body hair and even larger tits, or calves as the case may be. You may be on Robertson and you see them from a far -and they look okay, perhaps even great, then they get closer and closer and they begin to look odd. It is as if there are a puzzle that a two year old has jammed together and the pieces don't quite fit.

I don't get it. I've never been a fame of fake, i get the whole you want to be attractive and look your best i'm not sure though why it needs to include multiple surgeries, and breasts that can leak internally. I've had the two kids and gosh i shave my legs and armpits, sometimes even wax, but i don't think women should be entirely hairless. To me that's a freaky as being too hairy. And what's with all this ball shaving?? I mean seriously are balls really that hairy?

The point i'm making is that I think all this crazy debt, fakery and faux tits and big sunglasses are all connected. People spend most of their time wanting and trying and kind of forget the actual living part. I have smallish boobs, always have and honestly i've never had any complaints and if i'd had any i would have told the guy to f8ck himself. I mean more than a handful is wasted on most people. And really if all your friends are noticing is the car you're driving, then they're not friends they're appraisers. Does any of it really matter. Plus there is the scary coincidence i've noticed, these Faux Peeps tend to talk about celebrities, dieting, man problems and shopping and not much else except gossip which leads me further to believe that the real reason they get the boobs and the hair and crap is because they really don't have much substance for for some bizarre reason they think Prada bags are more important than really connecting with someone. You can't really connect over a fat free latte while you talk about Britney Spears.

I hate to say it but i don't even really look at people all that much. I'd hate to think these people spend 45 grand on a new upper body and when they pass me all i'm thinking about is if i have lemons at home for that quinoa recipe i want to make....So i was watching pre superbowl advert about Visa cards and the song says 'i want it now.' seriously it's about a guy buying a large screen tv. What the dude really needs to buy is a book by Hemingway and a how to book on what exactly it means when your credit card debt is at an interest rate of 11%. You might want it now but you'll be paying for it forever.

All this is to say that i like myself and i don't have a new handbag or even a new haircut. I have small boobs and i've never had hair extensions. So yeah, i like the french because they're comfortable in their skin. The ladies there can have bigger noses, smaller boobs, no sunglasses, and yet they carry themselves with such grace because they like themselves they seem gorgeous in their imperfections. I think they might have crotch hair! vive la difference.

off to get a croissant.
a