amanda writes

I might be 'damaged' but she's an evil bitch.

As you may or may not know, i love Dexter ( season over long time ago) and Californication (season over even longer) but i have found a new intrigue on TV besides another glorious rendition of some reality show featuring 'fat bastards and snarky botoxed bitches'.

I tuned in last week to watch Damages with Glenn Close and i have to say i'm intrigued. I didn't laugh once and there were no fun penis jokes or crazy writers or honest serial killers instead i found something much more tangible 'cynical evil lawyers'. Now i'm not saying this to be judgemental; my dad was a lawyer and i know for a fact that like many people who know a good lawyer well, not a hack but a good lawyer you're usually pretty sure that if they're not related directly to Satan they are a not too far distant cousin.

Now i love my dad, and i generally like lawyers (call me crazy - it's early imprinting) but Glenn Close in damages makes ice look warm. She's icy, bitchy, scary and you think her vagina might actually eat people. Here's the thing though; bad guys are bad you know; they walk bad, talk bad, often even smell bad so you know bad is walking down the street towards you. Not so with almost insane, genius lawyers, nope- they can put on that uplifting practiced face, put there hand on your shoulder and squeeze it and make you feel loved and moments later stab you in the back while they explain how they've been planning this since two years ago, and man are you a moron. uh huh.

I like the show, i dare say it's smart. Put it makes me feel worse about humans than the idea of a serial killer. Why? Because althought Dexter is killing, he is fact deranged. He was brought up thinking and justifying his acts, he found a way to make his insanity sane. Here is a lawyer who is fighting for the little guy and killing mangy dogs to get what she needs to get an airtight case. Odd? Or exactly what is needed?And come on, every writer knows when you cross the kill and animal line, you've gone over a bridge you can't rebuild. Yep she's nasty, she kills dogs whilst being a dog owner. I'm not convinced i think she might rent her dog so she can run into competing lawyers at the dog park. I'm telling you with smart, razor sharp lawyers anything is possible. To an accomplished lawyer the art of lawyering is about masterful revenge; skillfully executed.

So one might think that Posh is a skinny bitch (which by the way i don't) most of us are in fact damaged in some way or another, but this is the real deal: a woman who earns her bread by making mincemeat of others while wearing power suits and a laser type glance that may in fact peel paint off walls if targeted correctly.

A real smart bitch is worth watching; it makes me wonder how many people plot and plan in their lives which is a little unsettling but I'm just happy i finally have something popcorn worthy that isn't a rerun...and doesn't involved fat people trying to lose weight or loose people trying to get laid.

More like e-fricking annyoying

I am married and happily and not dating. But i have many friends who are either still single or newly single because of break ups or divorce. So this is not one of those stories where i'm pretending to have a friend who is really me. This is in fact about a 'real' friend, not a fake one.

Apparently in the time that i have been married going out to the bar, getting wasted and hooking up with your next significant or husband has apparently either become not cool or just doesn't happen anymore. I think you still get drunk and meet people but it's not defined as relationship material it's just a drunken screw, (again i'm mostly surmising from friend anecdotal evidence). So this means that instead of finding the next of love of your life wearing vodka glasses you are indeed trying to find them while you are on a office break, high on caffeine and checking your e-harmony account.

I have never understood the e-harmony or anything about online dating. for one simple reason. Gut instinct. you know you meet some guy and his eyes click with yours and you immediately feel like shoving your tongue down his throat or running blindly as far and as quickly as you can away from him. That's gut instinct and it doesn't work no matter what font they happen to be typing in online....

okay so this friend got an account at e harmony and then realized first it's a long process with questions back and forth like : do you like cats? how long is your hair? what do you think about capris in winter? are you big breasted? do you eat seafood? which by the way all sound like fake questions trying to ascertain something else entirely like are you crazy? will you have sex on the first date? would it bother you if i farted in public? can i stalk you? which is probably closer to what they might really want to ask.

So this friend is already irritated by the experience, plus she can't get a read of what they're really like and then you can't test chemistry (which really is what it's all about) online. Then to make it worse during a meeting with higher ups the e harmony twits send an audio clip saying she has an e harmony request....!!!!! It's loud enough that the entire group in the office hears....

So after nearly dying of non harmony feelings like e harmony hate, e-anger and e-irritation; she calls and cancel the e-annoyance right away. seriously what stupid f**k would want that as an audio arrival!

So here's the thing; online despite what people want to believe is not real life. an email or a blog for instance is not representative of the real deal. on line dating is akin to me like online eating. you couldn't taste it, smell it or sense it. it makes it safe but not particularly fun or real.

what ever happened to finding love over a bud light, or meeting your best friends ex and really feeling that magic click after she tells you she still has a special place for him in her heart...

but seriously correct me if i'm wrong but isn't lust or love or any of its equivalents all about chemistry, feelings, and the spark that really happens when you physically meet someone? Hey listen i've heard all the stories about people who get married from meeting them online. I have a friend (again nameless) and i met the dude she met online in person. Seriously - she's either blind deaf and dumb or in the year and a half since her divorce her ideals have dropped by about 10,000 feet and landed with a splat. She said they had a meeting of the minds, they 'understood' each other. and i suppose that's cool but if that package also happened to be attached to a belly that looked like it belonged on a pregnant lady, trucker hats and a voice that said, "She's a hottie' and then he'd slap her ass while all our mouths hit the floor. I wouldn't give a shit if we'd had a meeting of the minds because pretty soon my foot would be meeting his ass as i kicked him out the door. Love is not that blind. And a meeting of the minds is great, but when they full package aint' there they're called friends for a reason...

anyway i think e harmony and the like are more like e-annoying and e-faking it to get laid, but i'm wrong about a lot of things so who knows.

I'd rather see my friends with a good bottle of wine, a dance floor and a few options that are actually in the same room as her.... because call me crazy but i think you have a better chance of hooking up if you actually meet the person - not waste your time reading their words...or find out if they like birds.

a

I don't have big tits, but i love croissant

i love Paris. It truly does have that je ne sais quoi kind of special quality but then there are the more notable things that i like about Paris -it's people. I've heard the complaints about insufferable, snotty nosed servers who look at you with disgust and disdain - but truthfully the only french waiter i ever encountered like that was in New York.

After a recent trip to LA i realized that like many parts of the world there is a new breed of person, they're popping up from Johannesburg, to LA and these people have tweeked noses, colour altered hair, big sunglasses, little to no body hair and even larger tits, or calves as the case may be. You may be on Robertson and you see them from a far -and they look okay, perhaps even great, then they get closer and closer and they begin to look odd. It is as if there are a puzzle that a two year old has jammed together and the pieces don't quite fit.

I don't get it. I've never been a fame of fake, i get the whole you want to be attractive and look your best i'm not sure though why it needs to include multiple surgeries, and breasts that can leak internally. I've had the two kids and gosh i shave my legs and armpits, sometimes even wax, but i don't think women should be entirely hairless. To me that's a freaky as being too hairy. And what's with all this ball shaving?? I mean seriously are balls really that hairy?

The point i'm making is that I think all this crazy debt, fakery and faux tits and big sunglasses are all connected. People spend most of their time wanting and trying and kind of forget the actual living part. I have smallish boobs, always have and honestly i've never had any complaints and if i'd had any i would have told the guy to f8ck himself. I mean more than a handful is wasted on most people. And really if all your friends are noticing is the car you're driving, then they're not friends they're appraisers. Does any of it really matter. Plus there is the scary coincidence i've noticed, these Faux Peeps tend to talk about celebrities, dieting, man problems and shopping and not much else except gossip which leads me further to believe that the real reason they get the boobs and the hair and crap is because they really don't have much substance for for some bizarre reason they think Prada bags are more important than really connecting with someone. You can't really connect over a fat free latte while you talk about Britney Spears.

I hate to say it but i don't even really look at people all that much. I'd hate to think these people spend 45 grand on a new upper body and when they pass me all i'm thinking about is if i have lemons at home for that quinoa recipe i want to make....So i was watching pre superbowl advert about Visa cards and the song says 'i want it now.' seriously it's about a guy buying a large screen tv. What the dude really needs to buy is a book by Hemingway and a how to book on what exactly it means when your credit card debt is at an interest rate of 11%. You might want it now but you'll be paying for it forever.

All this is to say that i like myself and i don't have a new handbag or even a new haircut. I have small boobs and i've never had hair extensions. So yeah, i like the french because they're comfortable in their skin. The ladies there can have bigger noses, smaller boobs, no sunglasses, and yet they carry themselves with such grace because they like themselves they seem gorgeous in their imperfections. I think they might have crotch hair! vive la difference.

off to get a croissant.
a

Recession? Sex is cheap.

well, surprise surprise after months and months of "is it?" "isn't it?" the question looks to be getting a bit of a YES. It looks like the United States is heading towards a recession.

First things that comes to mind; you know when a girl has a mole and is ugly they call it a mole, but when a girl is beautiful like say Cindy Crawford and she has a 'mole' they call it a 'beauty mark' uh huh. Well if you call a recession say 'a break from spending' or 'time to spend more time at home' 'or a spending holiday' perhaps we too can make a 'recession' less scary or ugly. It's doesn't all have to be bad, instead of tightening our belts, we can spend less and just take our pants right off...

First - everyone spends to much f&cking money on crap. I know because i've got kids and they want want want, they have been taught to be little consumers by the media and frankly also by their sometimes ridiculous can't say no parents. Now i'd like to say that people the consumers are just the idiots; you know you shouldn't spend what you don't have but hey - you've got a credit card so you do spend too much.... what you don't figure on is this massive thing called interest sometimes to the tune of 18-24%. But it's not just stupid people it's governments. They all overspend, they're all in debt; the U.S. has massive debt. They've spent what they don't have and they don't have a bank to foreclose on their house --- so they just keep doing it.

Somewhere, somehow we all decided we should spend all are time and money buying cheap shit made in China and then we have debt and messy, cluttered homes. If we only bough crafted good things and far less of them, because they'll cost more and stopped equating 'havism' with being important or special we'd all be better off.

There is an upside to the fact that this year or next you won't be able to afford to go to the movies or out for dinner....you'll have more sex. Sex is cheap, thrilling and unless you don't use birth control shouldn't cost you anything more down the road.

So keep your credit card in your wallet and hang your pants on the chair. It's time to 'spend more time at home.'
a

Don't kiss me, write.

with the horrible red event looming; Valentines. I have decided to put a message out there on behalf of all us women who don't want roses or chocolates. Roses are pretty but they die, if you must buy flowers, and by must i mean you leave the 'thought' of valentines completely to the wayside and just have to pick something up quick so the wife/girl/lady friend doesn't bitch then buy something growing and alive. chocolates make people fat and most of them taste like crap.

Okay so i generally have never liked valentines gifts from men. My first one in grade seven at a really bad dance was given by a guy who thought kissing meant slobbering all over the girls face. It wasn't cute then and it stills runs shivers up my spine in the icky bad way. Then came the stuffed animal which frankly was almost worse than the spit. A bear holding a heart that i would have liked to shove done his smiling mouth . Small children like stuffed animals or at least some of them do and i suppose there are some nutters out there who liked stuffed animals and probably waste their money collecting them. Sadness. Stuffed animals are for small children, not your lover, not your girlfriend and certainly not someone you want a blow job from. yes i am aware of the man goal for valentines and it's not found in heart shaped box. The most you're going to get from a stuffed animal is a cuddle or a punch in the face if you know me...

anyway i won't lie and say money can't buy love because well we all know it can't really buy true love but it can be substituted for what you might get from love. Ie. you take the yacht because well it's a yacht and sure you wouldn't die for him, but you'd do pretty much anything else because well he gave you a yacht. Home in Paris, 5 plus carat diamond and small island can be substituted for said yacht but you know what i mean..anyone whose really been in love knows it more a pain in the ass than great so well avoiding it at all costs can be emotionally frigid but economically advantageous. terrible but true. love can hurt.

i'm not generally the kind of girl who is motivated by gifts. I like to work hard and get a paycheck but i believe you pay for everything you get and frankly the price with dudes who want to buy apartments and such is too high. i decided i was a good girl two years after university when a wealthy business man asked if he could buy me an apartment in new york and he'd visit once a week for 'business' while his wife and kids stayed in his home city. I politely declined. I'm not really the accommodating type.

So now with my lovely man and valentines around the corner i know what i want; a letter. a real love letter; not dirty talk masquerading as the 'real' deal and i actually abhor the word love generally; it's overused. People love waffles and veggie wraps and Britney Spears (or at least they did). What i want is a letter telling me not that i'm loved but why.

So there you go that's what i want for valentines a real, old fashioned, in dark ink letter - not an email, not an IM. And yes he could definitely seal it with a kiss.

a

bitches with no depth and canadian schlock- HELP Showtime

over the holidays i've been hidden under the dust of drywall, plaster wrapping paper and now i'm just coming out from the pile of self help and diet books. No I'm not being serious, but i assume that if you are into that this is the time of year for it. i've been working through the holidays and i'm a bit tired but not bored enough to find 7 steps to an easier life. no thanks. I'm making my own path. My plan this year is to just go with the flow and so far it's going swimmingly - i might even by a pair of flippers.

so it's now in the okay zone here in canada before winter like a woman scorned closes up shop and turns cold. Yep soon we'll be in the minus zone and it's a place i don't like. I've already been outfitted with furry slippers and i don't think i'll take them off until april (late april) so amidst my work, my house work and well life in general i'll be holing up to avoid the freezingness not a real word but i like it. and i need help. nothing new is coming out that i am aware of on showtime or any other good network....

I am not into reruns. so with no delectable Dexter, no Californication to keep me warm and even the horrific America's next top models is has left the runway so i'm left with nothing. I saw three minutes of cashmere mafia and i alternated between wanting to puke or poke my own eyes out to avoid it. What makes dexter and moody so fab is called character depth. You know where characters are more than just the 'bitchy corporate' or the 'slutty stay at home' hmmm. It would be cheaper for the producers of cashmere mafia to use paper dolls than pay these actors because the characters have the depth of a piece of photo copy paper, not even card stock in that show. she's a bitch, she's clever, she's sneaky; and i'm fricking bored. If i want to see a woman hitting on a guy in a matching track suit all i have to do is look out my front door. At least that woman i can actually reach when i want to slap her.

So I need help. tell me a show, that has something. if it's cheese it needs to be excessive cheese, if it's silly i want real silly, with the american election coverage and the canadian news a girl needs an escape. i found myself caught on a terrible show on CBC (the canadian government channel really) the other night and it felt so 80's and haha fake; i wasn't even sure what to make of it. was it tongue in cheek? I'm still not sure.

I've made good progress on pillars of the earth which frankly is slightly depressing, not the book but the fact that it's better than anything on tv.

turning it off for now.
a

bitches with no depth and canadian schlock- HELP Showtime

over the holidays i've been hidden under the dust of drywall, plaster wrapping paper and now i'm just coming out from the pile of self help and diet books. No I'm not being serious, but i assume that if you are into that this is the time of year for it. i've been working through the holidays and i'm a bit tired but not bored enough to find 7 steps to an easier life. no thanks. I'm making my own path. My plan this year is to just go with the flow and so far it's going swimmingly - i might even by a pair of flippers.

so it's now in the okay zone here in canada before winter like a woman scorned closes up shop and turns cold. Yep soon we'll be in the minus zone and it's a place i don't like. I've already been outfitted with furry slippers and i don't think i'll take them off until april (late april) so amidst my work, my house work and well life in general i'll be holing up to avoid the freezingness not a real word but i like it. and i need help. nothing new is coming out that i am aware of on showtime or any other good network....

I am not into reruns. so with no delectable Dexter, no Californication to keep me warm and even the horrific America's next top models is has left the runway so i'm left with nothing. I saw three minutes of cashmere mafia and i alternated between wanting to puke or poke my own eyes out to avoid it. What makes dexter and moody so fab is called character depth. You know where characters are more than just the 'bitchy corporate' or the 'slutty stay at home' hmmm. It would be cheaper for the producers of cashmere mafia to use paper dolls than pay these actors because the characters have the depth of a piece of photo copy paper, not even card stock in that show. she's a bitch, she's clever, she's sneaky; and i'm fricking bored. If i want to see a woman hitting on a guy in a matching track suit all i have to do is look out my front door. At least that woman i can actually reach when i want to slap her.

So I need help. tell me a show, that has something. if it's cheese it needs to be excessive cheese, if it's silly i want real silly, with the american election coverage and the canadian news a girl needs an escape. i found myself caught on a terrible show on CBC (the canadian government channel really) the other night and it felt so 80's and haha fake; i wasn't even sure what to make of it. was it tongue in cheek? I'm still not sure.

I've made good progress on pillars of the earth which frankly is slightly depressing, not the book but the fact that it's better than anything on tv.

turning it off for now.
a

bitches with no depth and canadian schlock- HELP Showtime

over the holidays i've been hidden under the dust of drywall, plaster wrapping paper and now i'm just coming out from the pile of self help and diet books. No I'm not being serious, but i assume that if you are into that this is the time of year for it. i've been working through the holidays and i'm a bit tired but not bored enough to find 7 steps to an easier life. no thanks. I'm making my own path. My plan this year is to just go with the flow and so far it's going swimmingly - i might even by a pair of flippers.

so it's now in the okay zone here in canada before winter like a woman scorned closes up shop and turns cold. Yep soon we'll be in the minus zone and it's a place i don't like. I've already been outfitted with furry slippers and i don't think i'll take them off until april (late april) so amidst my work, my house work and well life in general i'll be holing up to avoid the freezingness not a real word but i like it. and i need help. nothing new is coming out that i am aware of on showtime or any other good network....

I am not into reruns. so with no delectable Dexter, no Californication to keep me warm and even the horrific America's next top models is has left the runway so i'm left with nothing. I saw three minutes of cashmere mafia and i alternated between wanting to puke or poke my own eyes out to avoid it. What makes dexter and moody so fab is called character depth. You know where characters are more than just the 'bitchy corporate' or the 'slutty stay at home' hmmm. It would be cheaper for the producers of cashmere mafia to use paper dolls than pay these actors because the characters have the depth of a piece of photo copy paper, not even card stock in that show. she's a bitch, she's clever, she's sneaky; and i'm fricking bored. If i want to see a woman hitting on a guy in a matching track suit all i have to do is look out my front door. At least that woman i can actually reach when i want to slap her.

So I need help. tell me a show, that has something. if it's cheese it needs to be excessive cheese, if it's silly i want real silly, with the american election coverage and the canadian news a girl needs an escape. i found myself caught on a terrible show on CBC (the canadian government channel really) the other night and it felt so 80's and haha fake; i wasn't even sure what to make of it. was it tongue in cheek? I'm still not sure.

I've made good progress on pillars of the earth which frankly is slightly depressing, not the book but the fact that it's better than anything on tv.

turning it off for now.
a

new years resolutions or lying to yourself.

okay i've been gone for awhile. i'd like to tell you that i've been on the beach surfing my ass off in bali like i did last xmas but alas this time i was working um working some more and then wall papering, painting and drinking; thankfully i did manage not to eat much. thank god that most people in my family cook like crap - not too tempted. The painting etc. is my debt payment to a century old house i love and own but the rooms just never seem to end. i now understand the 600 square foot condo; less work.
anyway now it's that time of year to decide what the hell i'm supposed to do to better myself or the world around me. i asked my father what his resolution was and he said, 'to smoke more' uh huh. his theory is that you should pick something you can really commit to. I can see his logic. so here are my amended new years resolutions and ones i plan to keep.
Resolution One: Have no big goal; so i've decided that this year i will not get a book published instead i will just write because i like to and screw the goals and aspirations of the A types. I'm going to do writing for writings sake and my own. it's a key part to maintaining my mental stability; that and running.
Resolution Two: I will not work because i love my work and am passionate about it, i will work because i like money or really i like the things money can get me. I will be honest about it.
Resolution Three: I plan to wear dresses and high heels more often. Why? i'm tired of always wearing jeans. That and there's just something sexy about heels. They change the way you view the world.
Resolution Four; I could put here to work out five days a week, but i've been doing that for years, it's not worth putting down. but when i woke this morning for my run at 5:15am and it was minus 20 I was tempted to put moving back to hot place as my first resolution.
Resolution Five; I'm so tired of people getting advice from everyone about everything. if you're relationship is in the crapper buy a dr phil book, if you need to see the light, buy the secret. when did the entire popuiation become such a weird, empty pack of lemmings that seems to need to ask everyone else for advice. So my resolution is to answer and solve my own problems. I don't need an expert. i know my life better than anyone. I actually do know best.

okay i'm bored with resolutions i still think the real beginning of the year is september. so here's some advice if you want to start the new year cutting a new path through the urban jungle.

1. eating too much makes you fat.
2. dating people who are way uglier than you are never works out in the end - and vice versa.
3. If you never exercise and eat crap you'll look like crap.
4. if you have debt, stop buying things.
5. if you need more money earn more.
6. spend some time in the sun each day.

grounding breaking advice huh? Have a good start to 2008!